Although divorce rates in the United States are at their lowest since 1970 (with 3.6 divorces per 1,000 people), the Associated Press estimates that 40-45 percent of all marriages will end in divorce.
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Yet after a divorce or separation, most people still want to find a partner, someone they can share lives with. But, according to a study by Dutch researcher Anne-Rigt Poortman, divorce makes people desire less committed types of relationships, such as living together but not getting married.
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As such, divorce lessens the chances of marrying or cohabiting again, particularly if children are involved, according to Poortman’s research. Interestingly, women are especially impacted, with their chances of finding a new relationship even slimmer than men’s.
Why such negative findings? It may be that a person’s previous negative experience makes them overly cautious, to the point that they miss out on opportunities for new and more fulfilling relationships.
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"Fear absolutely devastates some people," says clinical psychologist Michael S Broder, Ph.D., a former radio-talk-show host and author of The Art of Living Single, in a Psychology Today article. "It can be the fear of being hurt, rejected or involved, and it can stem from a history of having been hurt or of traumatic relationships. People can be very proficient in other parts of their lives, but the fear of dating can make them stay alone or pine for the relationship they left."
So for a sizable portion of adults who are thrown back into the dating pool following a divorce, getting back into the dating game is a necessary part of finding a new partner, or even just adding some fun to your life, yet it can feel daunting.
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How can you begin to get your feet wet, and finally take the plunge?
1. Focus on YOU first. Get back into the single mindset by reconnecting with your inner self. What do you love to do? Are there friends you’ve lost touch with? Hobbies you’ve always wanted to try? A new career, perhaps? Now is the time immerse yourself in the things that make you happy, first and foremost.
2. Don’t be too serious. The first time you meet someone, it may not be Mr or Mrs Right. But that’s OK. Allow yourself to go out for coffee, a movie or dancing just for the fun of it even if you know it’s not someone you’re interested in for the long term.
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3. Nurture your support networks. Whether it’s old friends or new ones, formal support groups, or a weekly book club at the library, make sure you surround yourself with positive and supportive people who can help you through the hard times.
4. Try something new. If you’re still unsure of how to meet someone, try going to a single event or try online dating. You could very well meet someone you click with.
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5. Relax. If you begin to feel uptight or stressed about dating, take a deep breath, or better listen to the guided meditations on the Pure Relaxation CD. Dating, despite a few first-date jitters or an occasional wrong match, should be fun.
6. Wait to divulge everything. It’s fine to tell a new date that you’re divorced, and you should definitely let him or her know if you have kids, but do wait to get into all the nitty gritty details.
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7. Don’t settle. You probably have a better idea of what characteristics you’re looking for in a partner, perhaps more now than ever before. But loneliness or low self-esteem can make you get involved with the wrong type of person.
8. Wait to get the kids involved. If you have children, be very picky about who you introduce them to. Kids can get attached quickly and may not understand why someone you were dating is no longer in their life.
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Above all, keep an open mind and follow your inner instincts. You’ll know when the time is right to begin dating and you’ll know when you’ve found someone worth investing in emotionally once again.
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